I present to you a foolproof protocol for testing any medical treatment that is 100% guaranteed to give the outcome you want, so long as that outcome is tanking the treatment. This protocol won’t work so well if you want to show it’s effective, but if that doesn’t matter to you and you just want to destroy it, then this will work perfectly!

The protocol needs just two things, everything else is just paperwork.

The first thing you need are healthy patients who never were at risk in the first place. Don’t look for patients who are really old or who have lots of comorbidities, that won’t work. Instead, look for healthy adults, ones who tend not to comprehend medical studies, who are easily swayed by jargon and won’t ask any awkward questions; there are easy ways of spotting this target audience, you can tell just by looking at them walk into your office. And don’t worry, once they sign on they won’t dare ask questions of the methodology, at that point they’ve committed and will instead be busy updating their social media accounts saying that they’re making a difference, because in the end that’s what really matters - social media posts, not people’s lives. Remember, in today’s world we’ve fully adopted postmodernism - people don’t ever change their minds about anything, truth doesn't matter, and once they've joined your team they’re yours for life! It’s almost religious!

And don’t worry, it may take a while to collect enough people to make the study seem worthwhile. Firstly, nobody cares about little details like this, what matters are the headlines you’ll see afterwards, getting your name up in lights, saving humanity and social media posts. It doesn’t matter that it might take two or even three years to convince enough gullible fools to make your quota, just instead think of all the money you’ll make in royalties when your the story of your study is turned into an A-list movie, you’ll probably have Cillian Murphy wanting to be you. And the promotions - everyone who follows this protocol is all but guaranteed to continuing their amazing career failing up!

The second part is possibly the most important detail. You have to know how long the average healthy person takes to fully recover from the illness or medical problem you’re trying to study. For example, if your target illness takes a few days from the point of exposure until symptoms appear, and then symptoms mostly disappear after three days, you want to consider “three” to be your target. Now add ten to this number, and that is the point at which you start treatment. Yes, I know it does sound rather odd, but others followed this and it worked for them. And like I mentioned above, the people who sign on to do this study will be so fixated on how much they’re saving humanity that they won’t dare look at the details.

There are some things to watch out for when trying to decide if this protocol will work for you.

Firstly - it’s very important to only select healthy people for the study. You can’t have people risking their personal health to see if your treatment might work, because obviously you don’t want it to show any difference in the long run, and details like this are easiest to hide in recovery times of healthy people.

Secondly - it’s also really important to make sure you have a clear understanding of the intended medical issue that the treatment is for. It’s best to focus on illnesses that are low risk for the target audience, so don’t use it for something with a survivability rate lower than 99.9% for adults up through 70 years of age who have zero comorbidities.

Thirdly - because it can take literal years to complete this protocol, make sure you have plenty of funding. If you get stuck, there are many major international organizations with billions of dollars available who would probably be all too happy to throw some your way.

One extra tidbit to keep in mind: If you start your study and realize that you’ve inadvertently expanded the participant criteria to possibly include unhealthy people, or old people who might not fully recover within the desired window, don’t worry! Don’t forget that you can always update the study’s specifications and protocols after you’ve started, loads of the most important studies have done this and nobody has yet noticed. And also, individual patients who do happen to fall outside of the study's parameters, e.g. they accidentally start the treatment on day one instead of day 13, can always be ejected from the study without any concerns. And again don't worry, this happens all the time.

Remember - it’s not how many lives we can save, it’s not how many cheap treatments we can bring to the world so that people are not left choosing between feeding their family or buying their next treatment, it’s not how many orphans are tortured by people who are supposed to protect them, it’s not how many elderly people are left to die alone because they were told seeing their family would risk the lives of healthy family members. None of that matters anymore, we’re beyond caring of such inconvenient details, what matters are your social media flags.

As for ethics - remember, this is the industry where one of the most unethical people in the industry was married to the person who had the authority to investigate him.

Good luck, my fellow brave scientists, the future of medical research is in your capable hands! And death, death is on your hands too. But think of the money, so much money! And at the end of the day that’s what matters! That and social media clicks!

If you’re still not convinced - look around at how many studies have already followed my protocol, including a rather famous one that just landed. And you didn’t even notice, it's hailed as the final nail in the ivermectin coffin!